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| It was She Part-4 |
| Wednesday, July 30, 2008 |
The letter
Raj felt the same old pristine heaviness settling into him. The breeze was getting milder but the chill, stronger. He found himself roof fence to rest on, and continued the reminiscence.
He had stopped following his routine of following her shadows. It had been a month now. His studies had suffered and he wanted to get over it.
He could sense there was nothing in it. It would give him more pain. He did love the pain, it was different, never-before, ubiquitous but it had hope. There was none now.
Raj moved to Delhi after his 12th. He thought that would resurrect his academics and help him get over her.
A year passed. And just like that, he kept himself moving with time. He didn’t get through any decent colleges.
It never occurred to him that it’s something to be bothered.
He couldn’t forget her. "That" bothered him.
He had ruined his dreams of getting into the Air force. He could never be a fighter pilot ever in the life.
Funnily, sometimes, he dreamt being in Uniform and appearing against her – may be that would impress her. His hopes had crashed and burnt. He decided to be back at home.
While coming back to his home, he instructed the rickshaw to follow his silky route. Nothing had changed. Cadence of the heart reflected same urgency. The air boasted her fragrance.
Premonition of her being around and appearing in front of the eyes still arrested his thoughts. The thought of infatuations were wrong.
Circumstances led him to an engineering college far south. There were lectures, seminars, labs, tests, internals, and semesters. It was good to be busy for a change. Things kept him preoccupied. He met with wonderful people, abhorrent people- a life in 4 walls, teaching him world of experience. He took time out still, though little. He wrote letters and poems for her, never meant to be sent.
Just to keep and preserve. Something to beat his fallacy and satisfy his fetish, something that made him feel good about himself. Something that no one else could feel or understand.
He called upon her house once in a blue moon. He didn’t want the flickering light to be over, just like that. He had not seen her for a couple of years now. The telephone number had changed as well.
He grew uncomfortable. The anxiety built up and then he had a shot in the dark, in his 4th semesters.
He wrote a letter which was meant to be sent. "An old outdated way but still so amorous", he thought.
He wrote:
"Dearest,
I don’t know what else I could do, I don’t know if there exists a better way of doing this and if I can do it that way.
What happened was idiotic, illogical and inexplicable, it just did. So, I am letting myself do it the same way- the idiotic and inexplicable way. Just like that.
I am Raj, It had been almost 4 years now since I first saw you. I don’t know whether it was a crush or love at the first sight. But that sight of yours never went off my mind.
You went your way, I changed my way too, but I couldn’t let you go. You have suffused in me.
I want you to know that I have fallen for you. I have never in my wildest dream thought of demanding the love back, I am probably too scared of the thought itself.
I had decided to keep this with myself. Then after all these times, I realized its not going anywhere and it needs acknowledgement.
Not only would I be unfair to the only feeling I nursed, the only relationship I created but also to you.
I don’t believe in God, destiny or the adage - "everything happens for a reason".
Neither have I looked out for reasons. It’s your prerogative to know that someone loves you from the dead core of his heart and it is meant to be only yours.
I do admit, it just doesn’t happen this way. There would be so many who might have similar feelings. It doesn’t make sense. A stranger and a strange letter! I don’t expect you to say anything positive.
Just that you know, just that it might bring you a thought of me some night when you are in your bed, just that this could make you feel important, just that this love won’t be a zombie anymore, gives me a reason to be happy.
"It" says it’s unfair that someone be damned without being tested and not been given an opportunity. With the miniscule of hope, I ask you to give this a test, a chance to convince you that nobody else could love you more than me or even the acknowledgement that you know,I could love no one else anymore.
There had been scores of letters like this with me. I have been selfish keeping them all with me. I want to show them all to you and many more things- whole life would fall short.
Dear,
This letter is not about you, I am not putting in what you had in you that made me fall for you, without knowing you. It’s about me and my confession.
I don’t see myself falling in love with anyone ever, it’s too precarious to feel again, the way I have felt for you. You have exhausted all my tenderness.
I can feel the hole in myself, it had created. It’s only your love that can fill that.
Whilst I say that I don’t expect anything, let me implore you that if you get a slightest of idea what’s in me for you or you too feel and believe in the inexplicable ways… do tell me.
My ID is there at the bottom.
Hoping for the best and preparing for the expected.
Love is a duet and I wonder If I we could ever sing it together.
Ever Yours,
Raj
The_raj.kishore @gmail.com"
He grazed the letter slowly, tore another fresh page and copied it again.
He kept the second one in his academic file beneath all the papers, held the original one and sighed to relieve his nerves.
He said to himself "This one goes to the one I love."
-DLabels: Let's Talk Love, Turn The pages |
posted by Dheeraj @ 9:06 PM   |
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| 1 Comments: |
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wah wah wah.. mind blowing...
4th part is awesome and very touching...
like a curious bachelor I would like to know what happened to Raj, does he changed his name to D[wink],
Combined read of all 4 will surly make anyone to remember his teens...
Ending is too good "This one goes to the one I love".
Hope to see/read more stories D.
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wah wah wah.. mind blowing...
4th part is awesome and very touching...
like a curious bachelor I would like to know what happened to Raj, does he changed his name to D[wink],
Combined read of all 4 will surly make anyone to remember his teens...
Ending is too good "This one goes to the one I love".
Hope to see/read more stories D.